1. Lesson One: Dimensions of Health

• That different well-being factors work in combination and influence each other
• That changes in one area of your life can affect your well-being
• Possible effects of neglecting or damaging your well-being

Taking care of yourself requires looking after the many different demands of your body and mind to achieve an overall sense of wellness. In this lesson, the readings will help you understand some of the factors involved with well-being.

You will learn some basic information about six factors of well-being: mental, physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and environmental. In this course you will only be examining four areas of well-being. The authors encourage you to consider your spiritual and environmental health independently.

DIMENSIONS OF HEALTH

Your well being is affected by all of the choices you make. In a sense, all of your choices are personal ones. The extent of well-being in each dimension, as well as how these dimensions interact with one another affect your overall well-being.

Spiritual well-being can be one of the most important influences on personal choices and decisions. Beliefs, how you act upon them, and personal ethics are integral to total personal well-being.

For Your Information: Spiritual Health

Spiritual well-being is difficult to define. It means different things to different people. For some people, spiritual health may come by making time for personal reflection. For others, spiritual health may mean improving the quality of life, not only for themselves but also for others. For many, it is the belief in and worship of the religion of their choice. Belief in religion and participation in its ceremonies and practices offer a sense of security, a sense of purpose and direction, clear values and morals, and a sense of not being alone in the world. As well, religious belief can bring a sense of personal fulfillment and meaning to life that increases a person's overall sense of well-being.

While it is possible to consider physical, social, psychological, intellectual, spiritual, environmental, cultural and societal factors of well-being, it is important to remember that all of these factors work in combination and influence on another. For example, our feelings about our self can be influenced by the way we view our relationships with other people. Our physical health can be influenced by the knowledge we have about what is healthy for us.

Changes in one factor can alter other factors. An environmental danger can affect our physical well-being. If we strive to change our environment by moving away or eliminating danger, we will likely find our relationships with other people will also change. If society creates laws to forbid the environmental danger, our total well-being may be influenced by that change.

Various factors of well-being can change in importance as issues and concerns arise. One area of life may be of great importance at some times and then seem to fade into the background as a new concern comes to our attention. For example, our relationship with our boss at work may seem less important if our relationships at home become tense. Or we might ignore good care of our body when our life gets really pressured and busy; we may stay up all night cramming for an exam or finishing a tern paper that is due the next day.

Sometimes we only notice that one factor is particularly important when it seems to be missing or not what we would like it to be. For example, we may not think about being healthy until we feel sick. We may not worry about what we do not know until we need some information that we do not have. We may not worry about the relationships we have in life until we feel unhappy in one of them.

Health Factors You Cannot Entirely Control:

• Heredity
• Genetic traits can make you more prone to certain diseases. Find out about your family history.
• Environment- Pollution is a health hazard that is difficult to control.
• Sex- Some diseases are related to gender.  For instance, prostate cancer affects men and ovarian cancer affects women.
• Age- As people age, they recover less quickly.

Health Factors You Can Control

• Diet- Eat sensibly from a variety of food groups.  Control your weight.
• Exercise- Keep a healthy heart, lungs, and muscles. This relieves stress, improves the functioning of your body, and helps control weight.
• Rest- Sleep seven to eight hours each night.
• Stress- Physical and emotional problems can be caused by stress, but they can be managed.
• Bad Habits-Avoid smoking, drugs, and alcohol abuse.
• Attitude- A positive outlook on life is a big first step to wellness.

2. Lesson Two: Positive Practice

• That positive thinking can have a beneficial influence on your mind and body

Did you know that having an optimistic attitude actually helps you recover faster from surgery? Studies have shown that people with negative or pessimistic attitudes did not recover as quickly or as well.

Having a positive attitude will help you survive difficult situations and prosper in everyday ones. Although becoming more positive is not an overnight change, it can happen for you, a little bit each day.

by Remez Sasson

- sourced from successconsciousness.com

When we feel down and worried, we often hear people telling us: "Think positive!" Many do not take these words seriously, as they do not know what the power of positive thinking really is, or do not consider it as useful and effective. How many people do you know that ever stop to think what the power of positive thinking means?

Many do not believe that it works, considering it as just nonsense, and scoff at people who do.
Among the people who are conversant with this subject, not many know how to use it effectively in
order to get results. Yet, it seems that more people are becoming attracted to this subject, as evidenced by the many books, lectures and courses about it. This is a subject that is gaining popularity.

Thinking positively means admitting into the mind only thoughts, words and images that are conductive to growth, expansion and success. It is the expectation of good and favorable results. A positive mind anticipates happiness, joy, health and a successful outcome of every
situation and action. Whatever the mind expects, it finds.

Allan applied for a new job, but as his self esteem was low, and he considered himself as a failure
and unworthy of success, he was sure that he was not going to get the job. He had a negative attitude towards himself, and believed that the other applicants were better and more qualified than him. 

Allan manifested this attitude because he was not admitted to most of the jobs he applied to, and consequently had negative past experience.  His mind was filled with negative thoughts and fears concerning the job for the whole week before the job interview. He was sure he would be rejected. On the day of the interview he got up late, and to his horror he discovered that the shirt he had planned to wear was dirty, and the other one needed ironing. As it was already too late, he went out with a wrinkled shirt.

During the interview he was tense, displayed a negative attitude, worried about his shirt, and felt hungry because he did not have enough time to eat breakfast. All this distracted his mind and made it difficult for him to focus on the interview. His overall behavior made a bad impression, and
consequently he materialized his fear and did not get the job.

Jim applied for the same job too, but approached the matter in a different way. He was sure that he was going to get the job. During the week preceding the interview he often visualized himself making a good impression and getting the job.
In the evening before the interview he prepared the clothes he was going to wear, and went to sleep a little earlier. On day of the interview he woke up earlier than usual, and had ample time to eat breakfast, and then to arrive to the interview before the scheduled time.

He got the job because he made a good impression. Of course he had also the proper qualifications for the job, but so had Allan.

What do we learn from these two stories? Is there any magic employed here? No, it is all natural.
When the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images, and see in our
mind's eye what we really want to happen. This brings brightness to the eyes, more energy and happiness. The whole being broadcasts good will, happiness and success. Even the health is affected in a beneficial way. We walk tall and the voice is more powerful. Our body language shows
the way you feel inside.

All of us affect, whether positively or negatively, the people we meet. This happens instinctively and on a subconscious level, through thoughts and feelings transference, or through body language.  People sense our aura and are affected by our thoughts. 

Is it any wonder that we want to be
around positive persons and shun negative ones? People are more disposed to help us if we are
positive. They dislike and avoid anyone broadcasting negativity.

Negative thoughts, words and attitude bring up negative and unhappy moods and actions. When
the mind is negative, poisons are released into the blood, which cause more unhappiness and negativity. Negative thinking is the way to failure, frustration and disappointment.

Positive and negative thinking are both contagious, and their results are very obvious. If you choose the former you gain a great and beneficial power. In order to turn the mind towards the
positive, knowledge and training are necessary. People do not change their attitude and thoughts overnight.

Read about this subject. Meditate about its benefits, and persuade your mind to try it. The power of
thoughts is a mighty power that is always shaping our lives. This shaping is usually done subconsciously, but it is possible to make the process a conscious one. Even if the idea seems
strange, give it a try, as you have nothing to lose, but only to gain. Forget what others might say or
think about you if you change the way you think.

Always visualize only favorable and beneficial situations. Use positive words in your inner dialogues or when talking with others. Smile a little more, as this helps to think positively. If you feel inner resistance when replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, do not give up, but keep looking only at the beneficial, good and happy thoughts in your mind. Disregard any feelings of laziness or a desire to quit. If you persevere, you will transform the way your mind thinks.  Once a negative thought enters your mind, you have to be aware of it and endeavor to replace it with a constructive one. The negative thought will try again to enter your mind, and then you have to replace it again with a positive one. It is as if there are two pictures in front of you, and you choose to look at one and disregard the other. Persistence will eventually teach your mind to think
positively and ignore negative thoughts.

It does not matter what your circumstances are at the present moment. Think positively, expect only favorable results and situations, and circumstances will change accordingly. It may take some time for the changes to take place, but eventually they do.

3. Lesson Three: Eating Habits

• How rest, exercise, diet, and drugs can affect your physical well-being
• That maintaining a healthy and balanced diet will increase your physical well-being
• Some strategies for changing unhealthy behaviours

When somebody has a healthy "diet", it means that they eat a variety of healthy foods. But in this culture when people speak about someone "dieting", it means that a person is restricting or modifying their food intake in order to lose weight. This lesson discusses issues of both healthy eating and dieting.

This lesson has information about creating and maintaining healthy eating habits. It also has information about how to choose a good weight-loss program - not all dieting is created equal!

Why do you want to change your body mass? The most important question is “Why should I diet?” not “How can I diet?” Understand the health bodies come in many shapes and sizes.

The word diet really refers to the collection of foods a person eats but it is a word that has come to mean a special selection of food for some purpose. Most often a person refers to “being on a diet” when attempting to change body size or “lose weight."

Many Canadians want to change their body shape. And many Canadians are overweight. Being overweight is more than an issue of appearance; many overweight individuals are at higher risk of suffering from heart disease, diabetes, increased blood pressure, and some forms of cancer and arthritis.

The body uses energy when it is active; it gets energy from food. These two facts form the basis for a change in body shape. Reducing body mass is successful only when the body uses more energy than it takes in. There is then no excess energy to store in the body as fat.

So what do you do if you want to reduce your mass for a healthier body? Obviously there are two actions you must take - reduce the energy you take in and use more body energy.
You can select foods that offer lots of nutrients but are low in sugar and fat. Watch out for “empty foods” which provide the body with lots of energy but offer little in the way of nutrients. Empty foods include soft drinks, candy, and many fried snack foods. Substitute nutritious foods for these empty ones.

There are some problems with existing on a low energy diet. First of all, your body thinks it is starving and the rate at which you use energy, your metabolic rate, slows down as your body tries to use energy more efficiently. This can be frustrating for the person who does not want to use energy more efficiently but rather wants to use up excess energy. Exercise will counteract this a bit because it raises the metabolic rate during and for a while after the activity.
Equally important is increasing amount of energy you use. If you reduce the amount of energy you take but do not exercise, your body loses muscle tissue as well as fat. If you exercise, you will develop a tone muscles. As muscles use mc energy than fat, simply to maintain themselves, having more muscle w help your body to burn energy. And you will be more fit.

Any activity will consume energy. Walking, jogging, running, swimming, cycling, and doing any active sport are just a few examples physical activities which use energy.
The benefit of combining a go eating strategy with physical exercise is that your metabolic rate increases when you exercise so you use mc energy. And this increased metabolic rate lasts for several hours after t activity so the effects last beyond t time of the actual exercise. And there are lots of other healthy reasons build regular physical activity in your day.

Dieting has become big business. Diet programs and fitness clubs that sell the idea of losing weight are making money from your interest changing your shape. There are weight loss products, plans and pr grams and many of them do n work. Body wraps, belts, and sweat suits cause only water, not fat loss. Diet drugs that you can buy a not effective in the long term and cause a rise in blood pressure. Liquid diets can be extremely dangerous and require close medical supervision. And the weight lost on a liquid diet is usually regained over time because new eating habits have not been learned. Also there is nothing special about cellulite, a word created to de scribe one form of body fat. It cannot be rubbed away; it does not respond to special treatment.

Are you considering “going on a diet”? The best diet is one that you can live with all your life. It should stress good eating habits and allow reasonable food choices and amounts so that you can follow it without feeling hungry or robbed of food. If you are “going on a diet”, be sure that it is one that is not damaging to your health. Check the diet out and use it only if it:
• allows a wide variety of foods. Do not choose a plan or program that focuses on one or a couple of foods (like a grapefruit and egg diet) or suggests that some foods can dissolve fat (they can’t) or have some magical quality.
• provides enough nutrients from food sources. You need to get nutrients from food, not supplements, drugs, powders or other non-food items.
• teaches you to eat real foods sensibly. Learning how to eat sensibly lets you stop dieting and not regain mass. It can lead to lifelong change.
• encourages exercise and physical activity. The other half of losing weight is in the physical activities you do.

Be aware of the diet trap. When you repeatedly go on and off “diets” you are likely to suffer the consequences of yo-yo” dieting. This on- again off-again attempt to control body mass causes your body to lower its metabolic rate and may make weight loss more difficult each time you try it.
The only really good diet is a lifelong plan for eating well. Short term diets are not as effective as a lifelong healthy eating style. 

The only way to reduce your body mass is to:
• change your eating behaviors permanently
• use more energy than you consume
• combine sensible eating habits and regular physical activity.

Experts agree the key to healthy eating is the time-tested advice of balance, variety and moderation. In short, that means eating a wide variety of foods without getting too many calories or too much of any one nutrient. These 10 tips can help you follow that advice while still enjoying the foods you eat.

1. Eat a variety of nutrient-rich foods. You need more than 40 different nutrients for good health, and no single food supplies them all. Your daily food selection should include bread and other whole-grain products; fruits; vegetables; dairy products; and meat, poultry, fish and other protein foods. How much you should eat depends on your calorie needs.

2. Enjoy plenty of whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Surveys show most Americans don't eat enough of these foods. Do you eat 6-11 servings from the bread, rice, cereal and pasta group, 3 of which should be whole grains? Do you eat 2-4 servings of fruit and 3-5 servings of vegetables? If you don't enjoy some of these at first, give them another chance. Look through cookbooks for tasty ways to prepare unfamiliar foods.

3. Maintain a healthy weight. The weight that's right for you depends on many factors including your sex, height, age and heredity. Excess body fat increases your chances for high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, some types of cancer and other illnesses. But being too thin can increase your risk for osteoporosis, menstrual irregularities and other health problems. If you're constantly losing and regaining weight, a registered dietitian can help you develop sensible eating habits for successful weight management. Regular exercise is also important to maintaining a healthy weight.

4. Eat moderate portions. If you keep portion sizes reasonable, it's easier to eat the foods you want and stay healthy. Did you know the recommended serving of cooked meat is 3 ounces, similar in size to a deck of playing cards? A medium piece of fruit is 1 serving and a cup of pasta equals 2 servings. A pint of ice cream contains 4 servings. Refer to the Food Guide Pyramid for information on recommended serving sizes.

5. Eat regular meals. Skipping meals can lead to out-of-control hunger, often resulting in overeating. When you're very hungry, it's also tempting to forget about good nutrition. Snacking between meals can help curb hunger, but don't eat so much that your snack becomes an entire meal.

6. Reduce, don't eliminate certain foods. Most people eat for pleasure as well as nutrition. If your favorite foods are high in fat, salt or sugar, the key is moderating how much of these foods you eat and how often you eat them.

7. Identify major sources of these ingredients in your diet and make changes, if necessary. Adults who eat high-fat meats or whole-milk dairy products at every meal are probably eating too much fat. Use the Nutrition Facts panel on the food label to help balance your choices.

8. Choosing skim or low-fat dairy products and lean cuts of meat such as flank steak and beef round can reduce fat intake significantly.  If you love fried chicken, however, you don't have to give it up. Just eat it less often. When dining out, share it with a friend, ask for a take-home bag or a smaller portion.

9. Balance your food choices over time. Not every food has to be "perfect." When eating a food high in fat, salt or sugar, select other foods that are low in these ingredients. If you miss out on any food group one day, make up for it the next. Your food choices over several days should fit together into a healthy pattern.

10. Know your diet pitfalls. To improve your eating habits, you first have to know what's wrong with them. Write down everything you eat for three days. Then check your list according to the rest of these tips. Do you add a lot of butter, creamy sauces or salad dressings? Rather than eliminating these foods, just cut back your portions. Are you getting enough fruits and vegetables? If not, you may be missing out on vital nutrients.

• Make changes gradually. Just as there are no "superfoods" or easy answers to a healthy diet, don't expect to totally revamp your eating habits overnight. Changing too much, too fast can get in the way of success. Begin to remedy excesses or deficiencies with modest changes that can add up to positive, lifelong eating habits. For instance, if you don't like the taste of skim milk, try low-fat. Eventually you may find you like skim, too.

• Remember, foods are not good or bad. Select foods based on your total eating patterns, not whether any individual food is "good" or "bad." Don't feel guilty if you love foods such as apple pie, potato chips, candy bars or ice cream. Eat them in moderation, and choose other foods to provide the balance and variety that are vital to good health.

With so much information available about the effects of dietary fat on health, understanding the role fat plays in a well-balanced diet can be pretty confusing. To cut through the confusion, it's important to remember that fat is an essential nutrient that everyone needs to stay healthy.

Fat is a valuable energy source and carries fat-soluble vitamins needed for proper growth and development. It also contributes important taste and textural qualities that are part of enjoying food.

Too much fat, however, can increase the risk of heart disease, obesity and other health problems. When moderating fat intake, it's important to consider these points:

• Health authorities recommend Canadians consume 30 percent or less of their total daily calories from fat, with 10 percent or less of those calories from saturated fat. Remember, the 30 percent refers to your total fat intake over time, not single foods or meals. Use the following chart to guide your fat intake.
• If you eat this Total fat Total saturated
  number of calories per day fat per day
  per day: (grams) (grams)
  
  1,600 53 or less 18 or less
  2,000 65 or less 20 or less
  2,200 73 or less 24 or less
  2,500 80 or less 25 or less
• Use the Nutrition Facts panel on the food label to help determine how much fat is in foods. Remember, it's the total fat intake over time that's important. A food high in fat can be part of a healthy diet as long as it's balanced with other lower-fat food choices.
• All fats are a combination of saturated, polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fatty acids. Each of these types of fats have different effects on the body, but all contain nine calories per gram.
• Blood cholesterol levels are influenced by family history, weight, age, smoking, physical activity and eating habits. Studies have shown that diets which are too high in certain saturated fatty acids and dietary cholesterol can raise blood cholesterol.

The Food Guide is a practical tool to help you make food choices that are consistent with the Dietary Guidelines for Americans. Using the Food Guide enables you to eat a variety of foods daily so that you can get the nutrients you need.

The following amounts count as a serving.

• Food Group--Serving Size
• Bread--1 slice bread, 1\2 bagel or English muffin, 1 ounce ready-to-eat cereal, 1\2 cup cooked cereal, rice or pasta, or 5-6 small crackers
• Vegetable--1 cup raw, leafy vegetables, 1\2 cup cooked or chopped raw vegetables or 3\4 cup vegetable juice
• Fruit--1 medium piece of fruit, 1\2 cup mixed fruit or 3\4 cup fruit juice
• Milk--1 cup milk or yogurt, 11\2 ounces natural cheese or 2 ounces process cheese
• Meat--2 - 3 ounces cooked lean meat, poultry or fish (about the size of a deck of cards)

4. Lesson Four: Exercise Habits

Making physical activity an integral part of your day is important regardless of your age. Physical activity contributes to your physical well-being and helps to develop a healthy body, maintain weight, and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. Your benefits will increase as you add activity to your day. And, physical activity is easy to do with many fun things to choose from. Read on to find out more.

Tuning up your body with physical activity helps you to:

• Build strong bones and strengthen muscles
• Maintain flexibility
• Achieve a healthy weight
• Promote good posture and balance
• Improve fitness
• Meet new friends
• Strengthen the heart
• Improve physical self-esteem
• Increase relaxation
• Promote health growth and development
• Look and feel your best by cranking up your activity level

Get Active Your Way Every Day - For Life!

It's Easier Than You Think!

You can do it - here's why

Did you know that 63% of Canadians - just like you - are not active enough to achieve the health benefits they need from physical activity?

Your body is designed to move and it's surprising how little time it takes to stay healthy and reduce the risk of disease if you are physically active, regularly.

Consider this: you're awake about 15-19 hours a day, but you only have to be active for ONE HOUR and that 60 minutes of activity doesn't have to be done all at once. You can add up your activities, 10 minutes at a time, to get that daily total. It's easy to take a first step and that counts as progress when you're getting started.

Add up your activities during the day in periods of at least 10 minutes each. Start slowly...and build up! If you are already doing some light activities, move up to more moderate ones. A little is good, but more is even better, if you want to achieve health benefits.

WORKING SMART-WORKING OUT
Do you work out? Lots of people build physical activity into their day by working out, purposefully setting aside time to exercise their bodies. And the life of a student can be pretty sedentary, filled with activities that require little physical energy, so building time for physical activity into your day is really important.

What Exercise Can Do:
As well as the benefits to the muscular and cardiovascular systems, some activities help strengthen bone. Running, walking, and skip ping are just a few weight-bearing activities which require you to carry your body weight while you move. Minerals are being deposited into the bones and their density in creases, or more accurately does not decrease at the rate it would without this type of activity.

What Exercise Can’t Do:
You cannot “spot reduce”, that is reduce an area of your body or get rid of one area of excess fat stores. But exercise will tone muscles in specific areas, and firm your body. And exercise does use energy.

A smart workout is an activity for which you have prepared yourself. If you have not been very active for a while, a 10-km run (or any other in tense activity) is the fastest way to damage your body and convince your self that physical fitness is not for you. So begin by choosing a reason able activity. If you want to be able to run 10 km, work your way up to it.

• Choose an activity you like. You are more likely to repeat the experience if you enjoyed it. You can combine your activity time with an opportunity to visit friends. Many people jog, play tennis, walk, cycle, swim or play team sports because they have friends who like to do the same activity.

• Choose an activity that fits into your budget, something you can afford. For example, downhill skiing involves a much greater expenditure than walking. If your only fit ness experience costs a great deal, you are likely to do it less. You may only go skiing once or twice a year but be able to walk every other day.

• Choose a time of day that is best for you and try to focus that time on getting some exercise. Of course, there are times when you will need to shift your routine to meet the demands of your day. Be flexible about it when you have to be but remember that some people find it easier to fit physical activity into their lives when they have a set routine.

• Exercise restraint when you exercise your body. Pushing yourself too hard or too fast can cause injury and lessen your desire to repeat the activity.There is no exercise or activity that is perfect for everyone. 

• Choose those that are good for you. You will be more likely to make them part of your lifestyle.

Warming Up
Begin a workout by doing a gradual warm-up. This prepares your body for the strenuous activity to come. One of the best ways to warm-up is to do a less strenuous version of the activity you are about to do. Swim a couple of gentle laps, walk and then jog lightly in place, or stretch and bend before beginning the activity you have chosen. This type of warm-up pre pares your body by increasing your heart
rate and sending an increased blood flow to the muscles that will be working out. Stop and stretch to complete the warm-up.

• Remember to drink water before and after a workout as well as during a break. You may not feel thirsty but your body needs to replace the fluids lost during exercise. Also it is best to wait a couple of hours after a meal before starting a strenuous workout.

• Remember to check your pulse and say a few sentences. This will help you to determine the level of work you are doing. You should be able to speak, likely in small sentences and breathlessly, but so that you can be understood. If you are working so hard that you cannot speak, decrease your effort. Avoid the temptation to increase your workouts too quickly; a 10% increase each week is more than enough. Eventually you will reach your goal.

Cooling Down
After you have finished the strenuous part of your workout, you need to do a cool-down before you stop completely. Continue the activity you are doing but at a slower pace for several minutes. These gentle repetitions will allow your muscles to relax while circulating blood through them. This is a good time to do a bit more stretching.
You should try to work out two to three times a week for 20 to 30 minutes each time. This allows your muscles and cardiovascular system to develop efficiently.

Adding Variety
If you find your present workout boring or would like to experiment with a new activity, try cross-training. This means varying the activities you choose for your workouts. A variety of activities also allows you to choose an activity which fits into your schedule for the day rather than eliminating it. As, well, if you choose different types of activities, you will work on different sets of muscles and your overall fitness level will improve.

What’s your excuse for no making physical activity part of your day? We all have reasons for not doing it even though we know we should. Next time you feel an excuse coming on, check these out:
I don’t have time today.

Don’t try to cram physical activity into an already busy day. Take a relaxing walk before bed. Fit little activities, like walking up stairs, into your busy schedule. And make time for yourself tomorrow.

I never have enough time.

If time is your regular excuse (and it is a commonly used reason for not exercising) then it is time to make a new schedule for yourself. Just as you wouldn’t go for a week without eating, neither should you miss out on regular physical activity. Even an hour three days a week is a good start.

It’s boring.

Then find a new activity. There are so many things you can do that you shouldn’t get trapped into one routine. Vary what you do from day to day. Do some activities with friends and some by yourself.

I don’t know how.

Find out from someone who knows. Your physical education teachers, community class instructors, the YMCA and YWCA, and other trained activity leaders can help you. Now is the time to learn.

It costs too much.

If your physical activities are expensive, try switching or alternating with less costly forms of exercise. Walking, jogging, skipping and even swimming in the community pool are inexpensive.

I don’t have anyone to go with.

First of all, are you really sure that there is no one to keep you company? Try asking a friend to go walking, jogging, swimming or skating with you. Get a few friends together and make it a group activity. (A great way to group date!) And remember that doing some-thing active together is a good way to spend time with members of the family. A walk can be a good time to talk.
If you can’t find someone to keep you company in an activity, find people who are already having fun being active. Join a club, sign up for a community league team, attend a community activity evening, take lessons, participate in noon hour sports at school; these are all ways to get active with a group of people who are doing the same thing.

I used to exercise but now...

If you burned out on exercise by overdoing it, find something different to try at a more relaxed pace.
I don’t want to get sweaty, mess my hair, break my nails, etc. etc. etc.
Keep in mind that physical activity, a good work-out, can make you feel better and appreciate how good you look. However, there are lots of activities that will not take
a toll on your appearance (just take a quick look “67 Ways to Get Physical” in this book). And for some activities, like dancing, you may want to look your best!

It hurts.

Physical fitness that is good for you should not be painful. Listen to your body; if something hurts, slow your pace or stop. You should be able to talk while you are exercising. If you can’t, you are probably pushing yourself beyond a reasonable healthy level of activity.

I’m under a lot of pressure right now.

Then now is the time you need some physical activity, perhaps something that is relaxing, to relieve stress and anxiety. During heavy studying and exam times, quick breaks for some exercise can really refresh you.

5. Lesson Five: Stopping a Bad Habit

• How rest, exercise, diet, and drugs can affect your physical well-being
• Some strategies for changing unhealthy behaviours
• How to develop a plan for changing an unhealthy behaviour

Changing a habit can be difficult. Habits are deeply entrenched behaviours that we reinforce through repetition and that bring us some measure of satisfaction or happiness. Some habits can be destructive to our health and happiness, such as smoking, binge drinking, over-eating, or doing drugs. Sometimes a habit can become an addiction; when this occurs, we lose control and become a slave to the behaviour.

Although difficult, habits CAN be changed. You can gain greater control over your life by changing or eliminating the habit. In this lesson, we will focus on smoking - a bad habit and a terrible addiction for many teens. Please note, though, that the first reading addresses stopping a habit in general.

If you are not a smoker, there are still important characteristics to learn in these readings. See if you can discover what kinds of behaviours, attitudes, and thoughts are necessary to stop a habit. Remember that in a following assignment you will be asked to think about stopping a bad habit - whether it is smoking, nail biting, procrastinating, binge drinking, unhealthy snacking... or many other options.

The more difficult habits to stop are those that will "be good" for us in the end, but that are difficult to do. We can
think of many compelling reasons to keep the habit – it feels good, it makes us less self-conscious, it calms us, it is easier to keep going.... But some habits need to be changed, and changed permanently, especially when they hurt our wellbeing.

What is involved in stopping a habit – permanently?

1. The deep desire to change. If you are not unhappy or revved up enough to change; any attempt you make will
probably fall short.
2. Wanting to change for yourself and not for others. Unless and until you want to make a change for yourself
and not because it might please your friends, parents, teachers, society, etc., the chances of being able to do it
are not favourable.
3. A vision of what things (you) will be like after you have successfully made the change. You might not be right,
but having a positive vision of how things will be different is often very helpful. It plants positive "seeds" in the
subconscious.
4. Tenacity. Change is often difficult and takes time. Making changes can be like a roller coaster ride, with ups and downs. "Hanging in there" when the going gets rough is
important.
5. A support system. Any difficult or major change is helped if a person has a "support system" of some kind.  The support system can be family, friends, work colleagues, a support group, etc. The important thing is that they know what it is you want to change, and that they are positive and supportive of you all the way, even if you "stumble" along the way. A coach, a pastor, or a doctor can also be good support people, especially if the changes involve personal development, health issues, or major life shifts or transitions.

Stopping a habit. 

It doesn't have to be difficult, frightening or take forever. Aside from the changes we all make without any conscious effort, the conscious desire to change a habit can be empowering and exciting. When it is completed, getting rid of the habit will help you improve your self-esteem, self-respect, courage, integrity, and much more!

If you smoke, we bet you’ve already thought about quitting.
This quiz can help pinpoint the reasons why you smoke, an important first step, since quitting will be easier if you substitute healthful ways to satisfy those needs. For example, if this test indicates that you smoke to relax, you’ll want to try other ways to calm down, such as meditation or stretching exercises.

Rate yourself on each statement using the following scale:

5. Always

6. Lesson Six: Communication

• how to communicate positively
• that the way you communicate indicates your level of respect for others and for yourself

To live is to communicate! Communication is the foundation for all interpersonal relationships, and our daily lives are filled with one communication experience after another. Through communication we reach some understanding of each other, learn to like, influence, and trust each other, begin and end relationships, and learn more about ourselves and how others perceive us. Through communication we learn to understand others as individuals and we help others to understand us.

Yet to achieve these benefits, we need skills of communicating effectively in all of our relationships. This lesson gives you some strategies for being a good communicator.

Let’s try another question. If you can hear well, do you listen well? This becomes a bit more interesting. If you belong to the majority of people and answer honestly, you answer will be “no.” When we really stop to think about it, we know that listening and hearing are not necessarily the same thing. Try a little experiment. Stop reading for a minute or so. During this time write down a list of all the sounds you can hear. Listen for sounds you might not normally be aware.
Listen…!

People may grow accustomed to the weirdest of noises, especially if those noises follow an identifiable pattern. So you find Jane saying about her husband, George, “He can sleep through anything!” In fact, of course, even if you do sleep through loud or irritating noises, those noises may still be getting through to you. But you may register them in your dreams or in changes in your brain wave patterns. In other words, you may hear those things at non-conscious levels of brain activity. Our bodies respond naturally at times to outside noises. Did you know, for instance, that your finger swells measurably when you hear a loud sound?

Theoretically, an ultra sonic sound generator can be rigged up that could produce sound that could kill you, or at least cause a lot of destruction. And you wouldn’t hear a thing!
Well we hear all sorts of things all the time. And yet, most of us don’t register what we hear in our conscious minds.

In his book The Natural History of the Mind, Gordon Rattay Taylor points out that the brains central problem is “how to cope with too much information.” We’re all being bombarded with incredible amounts of information these days. Members of our families, friends, associates at work, the general public, radio and television, and just the general hustle and bustle of our electromechanical civilization seem to crowd in on us.

Often, we may find ourselves saying, “I can’t cope. It’s too much!” This is what Marshall McLuhan meant when he referred to the “implosion effect” of our electronic media. These media, whether in the form of telephones, radios, public address systems, television networks, or holographic transmission devices, are all accelerating our information bombardment. The only way to survive all of this is by developing our own ‘screens’ for incoming information. Our brains have literally been programmed to screen out certain types of information and only to let through those types of information that we consider important. This has to be. We have to do this type of screening just to survive.

But the screening you now possess is a construct of you life experience and education. It’s a form of programming based on past events that you often had no awareness of. Your brain screens may no longer be serving you well. You can test your own screening activity the next time you are at a party. You may be in deep conversation with someone else, oblivious to a conversation others may be having across the room. At one point, however, someone in that other conversation speaks your name. Do you hear it? More than likely you do.

You’ll feel your ears perk up just like the family dog, when it hears something new. Your brain’s unconscious sound monitoring system picked up the sound of your name. This sound has special significance for you, so it registered at the conscious level. A trained mechanic does the same sort of thing when he listens to you cars engine. So does the skilled doctor when she applies her stethoscope to your bare chest. And the experienced sailor does the same when he hears the sound of the wind in the sails and the water against the hull. We say that people with these kinds of hearing skills “know what to listen for.” In other words, part of their training has been in selective forms of listening. In the course of doing your job you must apply selective forms of listening as well. Perhaps you listen for key words. You may listen for different motional tones. Or you might listen for contexts. In your life you’ve developed all sorts of things that you personally listen for. And you sound monitoring system, or listening pattern, is unique to that others do not hear at least at the conscious level.

We don’t just listen passively to those chucks of incoming information that do penetrate our consciousness. As A.Z. Young says in his book, Programs of the Brain: “Recognizing speech, like seeing and other perceptual acts is an active process of ‘reconstruction,’ not a mere passive reception.” We reconstruct what we hear in terms of our own inner values, knowledge, and desires. And our brain screens provide the bulk of the reconstructing activity at the unconscious level. So we do tend to hear what we want to hear and, in the main, we do this quite honestly! Listening is very much an active part of the way we deal with the world. We listen in a way that we’ve developed over many years of life. And most of us never pause to take stock of our listening.

When was the last time you examined the way you really listened? Chances are it’s been quite some time, if ever. We all know some people who never take stock of their listening habits. They blithely assume that their listening is automatically effective. But they are the very people who are most likely to hear things that weren’t said, or to miss
important things that were said. A poor listener really suffers from a form of deafness. She or he lives in an incomplete world and doesn’t even know it. A poor listener can be a real hazard at work. Instructions may not be followed correctly, heated arguments may flare up, or organizational decisions with disastrous consequences may occur. If you can improve you listening you will automatically improve your ability to function effectively at work and at home.

Check out this video that provides humour to the effective listening issue:

You can begin to improve you listening ability by taking stock of your listening habits from time to time. Realize that you may inadvertently have fallen into certain habits of exclusion, inclusion or interpretation that are giving you a distorted version of what you’re hearing. In business and home situations?” Pay attention to the comments others may make about your listening habits. If you’re honest with yourself, you will find specific things that you can deal with to improve your listening.

“You must …“, “You have to .. . .“, “You will .. .
-can produce fear or active resistance
-invites “testing”
-Promotes rebellious behaviour, retaliation

2) Warning, Threatening

“If you don’t, then ...“, “You’d better, or .. .
-can produce fear, submissiveness
-invites ‘testing’ of threatened consequences
-can cause resentment, anger, rebellion

3) Moralizing, Preaching

“You should ....“, “You ought to …“, “It is your responsibility
-creates ‘obligation’ or guilt feelings
-can cause a person to ‘dig in’ and defend his/her position even more (i.e. who says?)
-communicates lack of trust in a person’s sense of responsibility

4) Advising, Giving Solutions
“I would do is ....“, “Why don’t you ...“, “Let me suggest …”
-can imply that the person is not able to solve his/her awn problems
-prevents a person from thinking through a problem, considering alternative solutions, and trying then out for reality
-can cause dependency, or resistance

5) Persuading with Logic, Arguing

“Here is why you are wrong ...“, “The facts are …“, “Yes, but …”

-provokes defensive position and counter-arguing
-often causes a person to ‘turn off’ speaker, to quit listening
-can cause the person to feel inferior, inadequate

6) Judging, Criticizing, Blaming
“You are not thinking maturely ... you are lazy.”
-implies in competency, stupidity, poor judgment
-cuts off communication from a person over fear of negative judgment or
-person often accepts judgments as true (“I am bad or retaliates ‘You’re not so great yourself!)

7) Praising, Agreeing

“Well, I think you’re doing a great job!” “You’re right? -- that teacher sounds awful!”
-implies high speaker expectations as well as surveillance of person’s ‘toeing the mark’.
-can be seen as patronizing or as a manipulative effort to encourage desired behaviour
-can cause anxiety when the person’s perception of self doesn’t match speaker’s praise

8) Name-calling, Ridiculing

‘‘Crybaby”, “Okay, Mr.& Smarty …“
-can cause person to feel unworthy, unloved
-Can have devastating effect on self-im2ge of person
-often provokes verbal-physical retaliation

9) Analyzing/ Diagnosing

“What’s wrong with you is “, “You re just tired…“ “You don’t really mean that”.
-can be threatening and frustrating
-person can feel either trapped, exposed, or not believed
- stops person from con for fear of distortion or: exposure

10) Reassuring, Sympathizing
“Don’t worry”, “You’ll feel better”, “Oh, cheer up”
-causes the person to feel misunderstood
-evokes strong feelings of hostility (“That’s easy for you to say!”)
-person often picks up speaker’s message as: It’s not all right for you to feel bad”.

11) Probing, and Questioning

“Why…”, “Who…”, “What did you …”, “How…”
-since answering questions often results in getting subsequent criticisms or solutions, people often learn to reply with non-answers, avoidance, half- truths, or lies
- Since questions often keep the person in the dark as to what the speaker is driving at, the person may become anxious and fearful
-person can lose sight of his/her problem while answering questions spawned by the speaker’s concerns

12) Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal

“Let’s talk about pleasant things ....“, “Why don’t you try running the r1d”. Remaining silent: turning away.
-implies that life’s difficulties are to be avoided rather than dealt with
-can infer that a person’s problems are important, petty or invalid
-stops openness from person when he or she is experiencing a difficulty

7. Lesson Seven: Conflict Resolution

• conflict is a part of life
• strategies for resolving conflict with other people
• how to recognize unhealthy conflict patterns and how to correct these patterns

It is unlikely to expect to live a life free of conflicts. Problems are bound to arise any time two people get together for more than a short while. Some of these problems will be serious enough to threaten the relationship unless they are handled well.

Unfortunately there are no magic tricks to resolve all the conflicts in your life. On the other hand, there are ways to manage these conflicts constructively. If you follow these methods in this lesson, you will find that your relationships are actually stronger and more satisfying than before.

Conflict is Natural

Every relationship of any depth at all has conflict. No matter how close, how understanding, how compatible you are, there will be times when your ideas or actions or needs or goals won't match those of others around you. You like rock music, but your companion prefers Beethoven; you want to date other people, but your partner wants to keep the relationship exclusive; you think a paper you've done is fine, but your instructor wants it changed; you like to sleep late on Sunday mornings, but your housemate likes to play the stereo – loudly!

There's no end to the number and kinds of disagreements possible.
And just as conflict is a fact of life, so are the feelings that go along with it – hurt, anger, frustration, resentment,
disappointment. Because these feelings are usually unpleasant, there is a temptation to avoid them or pretend they don't exist. But as sure as conflicts are bound to arise, so are the emotions that go with them.
 

At first this might seem depressing. If problems are inevitable in even the best relationships, does this mean that you're doomed to relive the same arguments, the same hurt feelings, over and over? Fortunately, the answer is to this question is a definite no. Even though conflict is a part of a meaningful relationship, you can change the way you deal with it.

Conflict Can Be Beneficial
Most of us fear conflict because we have seen that serious disagreements can damage relationships. In truth,
this sort of damage is preventable. In fact, effective handling of conflicts can actually keep good relationships
strong. Research has demonstrated that people who use the constructive skills described in this lesson are more
satisfied with their relationships and with the outcomes of their conflicts.

One nine year study illustrated the value of constructive conflict resolution by revealing that happily married couples handled their disputes quite differently from unhappy ones. The unhappy couples argued in ways that can be described as destructive. They were more concerned with defending themselves than with being problem oriented; they failed to listen carefully to one another, had little or no empathy for their partners, used evaluative
"you" language, and ignored one another's nonverbal relational messages.

1)   Non-assertive Behaviour

Non-assertion is the inability to express one’s thoughts or feelings when necessary because of a
lack of confidence or skill or both. There are two ways in which non-asserters manage a conflict.
Sometimes they ignore their needs. Faced with the dog, for instance, a nonassertive person
would try harder to forget the barking by closing the windows and trying to concentrate even harder on something else. Another form of denial would be to claim that no problem exists that a little barking never bothered anyone. To the degree that it’s possible to make problems disappear
by ignoring them, such an approach is probably advisable. In many cases, however, it simply isn’t realistic to claim that nothing is wrong. For instance, if your health is being jeopardized by the cigarette smoke from someone nearby, you are clearly punishing yourself by remaining silent. If
you need more information from a supervisor before taking a project, you reduce the quality of your work by pretending to understand it all.

A second nonassertive course of action is to acknowledge that your needs are not being met but simply to accept the situation, hoping that it might clear up without any action on your part. You could, for instance, wait for the neighbour who owns the barking dog to move. You could wait for the dog to be run over by a passing car or to die of old age. You could hope that your neighbour will realize how noisy the dog is and do something to keep it quiet. Each of these occurrences is a possibility, of course, but it would be unrealistic to count on one of them to solve your problem. And even if by chance you were lucky enough for this to be solved without taking action, you couldn’t expect to be so fortunate in other parts of your life.

In addition, while waiting for one of these eventualities, you would undoubtedly grow more and more angry at your neighbour, making a friendly relationship between the two of you impossible. You would also lose a degree of self-respect,
for you would see yourself as the kind of person who can’t cope with even a common everyday irritation.

2) Direct Aggression

In contrast to non-assertion, direct aggression occurs when a person overreacts. The usual consequences of aggressive behaviours are anger and defensiveness or hurt.
You could handle the dog problem with direct aggression by abusively confronting your neighbours, calling them names and threatening to call the dogcatcher the next time you saw their hound running loose. If the town in which you live has a leash law, you would be within your legal rights to do so and thus you would gain your goal by bringing peace and quiet to the neighbourhood. Unfortunately, your direct aggression would have other, less productive consequences. Your neighbours and you would probably cease to be on speaking terms, and you could expect a complaint from them the first time you violated even the most inconsequential of city ordinances.

3) Indirect Aggression

As its name suggests, indirect aggression occurs when a communicator expresses hostility in an obscure way. I several of his works, psychologist George Bach describes behaviour that heterms “crazymaking.”

One strategy would be to complain anonymously to the city pound and then, after the dog has been hauled away, express your sympathy. Or you could complain to everyone else in the
neighbourhood, hoping that their hostility would force the offending neighbours to quiet the dog or face being a social outcast. A third possibility would be to strike up a friendly conversation with one of the owners and casually remark about the terrible neighbourhood you had just left, in which
noisy dogs roamed the streets, uncontrolled by their thoughtless owners.

There are a number of shortcomings to such approaches as these, each of which illustrate the risks of indirect aggression. 

• First, there is the chance that the crazy making won’t work: The neighbour might simply miss the point of your veiled attacks and continue to ignore the barking. Even when indirect aggression proves successful in the short run, a second shortcoming lied in its consequences over the longer range. 
• You might manage to intimidate you neighbours into shutting up their mutt, for instance, but in winning that battle you could lose what would become a war. As a means of revenge, they could wage their own campaign of crazy making by such tactics as badmouthing things like your sloppy gardening to other neighbours or by phoning in false complaints about your allegedly loud parties.
• A third shortcoming of indirect aggression is that it denies the people involved a chance of building any kind of honest relationship with each other. To the degree that you try to manipulate friends, they won’t know the real you. The fewer of your needs you reveal directly to your coworkers, the less chance you have of becoming true friends and colleagues. 

4) Assertion

Assertion occurs when a message expresses the speaker’s needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly but without judging or dictating to others. This style of communicating maintains the self-respect of both you and those with whom you interact. 

People involved in an assertive exchange usually feel good about themselves and others afterward,  quite a change from the outcomes of non-assertiveness and aggression.

An assertive course of action in the case of the baring dog would be to wait a few days to make sure the noise is not just a fluke. If the barking continues, you could introduce yourself to your neighbours and explain your problem. You could tell them that although they might not notice it, the dog often plays in the street and keeps barking at passing cars. You could tell them why this behavior bothers you. It keeps you awake at night and makes it hard for you to do your work.

You could point out that you don’t want to be a grouch and call the pound. Rather than behaving in these ways, you could tell them that you’ve come to see what kind of solution you can find that will satisfy both of you. This approach may not work, and you might then have to decide whether
it is more important to avoid bad feelings or to have peace and quiet. But the chances for a happy ending are best with this assertive approach.

And no matter what happens, you can keep self-respect
by behaving directly and honestly.

"A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship, as experience shows that the callosity formed round a broken bone makes it stronger than before."

-St. Francis De Sales

Win-win problem solving is clearly superior to the win-lose and lose-lose approaches. Why, then, is it so rarely used? There are three reasons:

The first is lack of awareness. Some people are so used to competition that they mistakenly think winning requires them to defeat their “opponent.” Even when they know better, another reason prevents many people from seeking win-win solutions. 

Conflicts are often emotional affairs, in which people react combatively without stopping to think of better alternatives. Because this kind of emotional reflex prevents constructive solutions, it’s often necessary to stop yourself from speaking out aggressively in a conflict and starting an escalating spiral of defensiveness. The time-honored advice of “counting to ten” applies here. Once you’ve thought about the matter, you’ll be able to act constructively instead of reacting in a way that’s likely to produce a lose-lose outcome.

A third reason win-win solutions are rare is that they require the other person’s cooperation. It’s difficult to negotiate constructively with someone who insists on trying to defeat you. When faced with this sort of person, you’ll need to use your best persuasive skills to explain that by working together you can find a solution that satisfies both of you.

In spite of these challenges, it is definitely possible to become better at resolving conflicts. In the following pages we will outline a method to increase your chances of being able to handle your conflicts in a win-win manner, so that both you and others meet your needs. 

As you learn to use this approach, you should find that more and more of your conflicts wind up with win-win solutions. And even when total satisfaction isn’t possible, this method can help by showing you how to solve problems in the most satisfying way possible and also by preventing individual conflict from spoiling your future interactions with the person involved.

Before introducing this method, there are a few ideas you should keep in mind. This technique is highly structured. Although you’re learning how to use it, it’s important that you follow all the stages carefully. Each step is essential to the success of your encounter, and skipping one or more can lead to misunderstandings that might threaten your meeting and even cause a “dirty fight.” After you’ve practiced the method a number of times and are familiar with it, this style of conflict will become almost second nature to you. You’ll then be able to approach your conflicts without having to follow the step-by-step approach. But for the time being try to be patient, and trust the value of the following pattern.

As you read the following steps, try to imagine yourself applying them to a problem that’s bothering you now.

Step 1—Identify Your Problem and Unmet Needs. 

Before you speak out, it’s important to realize that the problem that is causing conflict is yours. Whether you want to return an unsatisfactory piece of merchandise, complain to a noisy neighbor because your sleep is being disturbed, or request a change in working conditions from your employer, the problem is yours. Why? Because in each case you are the person who is dissatisfied. You are the one who has paid for the defective article; the merchant who sold it to you has the use of your good money. You are the one who is losing sleep as a result of your neighbours’ activities; they are content to go on as before.

 You are the one who is unhappy with your working conditions, not your boss. (Of course, others involved in the conflict may have problems of their own. For instance, the shopkeeper, the noisy neighbor, and your boss may all be bothered by your requests. But the fact still remains that the reason you are speaking up about these matters is because you are dissatisfied. Thus, the problem is at least initially yours).

Realizing that the problem is yours will make a big difference when the time comes to approach your partner. Instead of feeling and acting in an evaluative way, you’ll be more likely to state your problem in a descriptive way, which will not only be more accurate but also reduce the chance of a defensive reaction.

Once you realize that the problem is yours, the next step is to identify the unmet needs that make you dissatisfied. For instance, in the barking dog incident, your need may be to get some sleep or to study without interruptions. In the case of a friend who teases you in public, your need would probably be to avoid embarrassment.

Sometimes the task of identifying your needs isn’t as simple as it first seems. Behind the apparent content of an issue is often a relational need. Consider these examples:

• A friend hasn’t returned some money you loaned long ago. Your apparent need in this situation might be to get the cash back. But a little thought will probably show that this isn’t the only, or even the main, thing you want. Even if you were rolling in money, you’d probably want the loan repaid because of your most important need: to avoid feeling victimized by your friend’s taking advantage of you.
• Someone you care about who lives in a distant city has failed to respond to several letters. Your apparent need may be to get answers to the questions you’ve written about, but it’s likely that there’s another, more fundamental need: the reassurance that you’re still important enough to deserve a response.
As you’ll soon see, the ability to identify your real needs plays a key role in solving interpersonal problems. For now, the point to remember is that before you voice your problem to your partner, you ought to be clear about which of your needs aren’t being met.

Step 2—Make a Date.

Destructive fights often start because the initiator confronts a partner who isn’t ready. There are many times when a person isn’t in the right frame of mind to face a conflict, perhaps owing to fatigue, being in too much of a hurry to take the necessary time, being upset over another problem, or not feeling well. At times like these it’s unfair to “lump” a person without notice and expect to get full attention for your problem. If you do persist, you’ll probably have an ugly fight on your hands.

After you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try to solve it, for example, “Something’s been bothering me. Can we talk about it?” If the answer is yes, you’re ready to go further. If it isn’t the right time to confront your partner, find a time that’s agreeable to both of you.

Step 3—Describe Your Problem and Needs. 

Your partner can’t possibly meet your needs without knowing why you’re upset and what you want. Therefore, it’s up to you to describe your problem as specifically as possible. The best way to deliver a complete, accurate message is to use the assertive sense-interpret-feel-consequence-intend format.

Notice how well this approach works in the following examples:

• Example 1 “I have a problem. It’s about your leaving dirty clothes around the house after I’ve told you how much it bothers me [sense]. It’s a problem because I have to run around like crazy and pick things up whenever guests come, which is no fun at all [consequence]. I’m starting to think that either you’re not paying attention to my requests or you’re trying to drive me crazy [thoughts], and either way I’m getting more and more resentful [feeling]. I’d like to find some way to have a neat place without my having to be a maid or a nag.”

• Example 2 “I have a problem. When you drop by without calling ahead and I’m studying [sense], I don’t know whether to visit or ask you to leave [thought]. Either way, I get uncomfortable [feeling], and it seems like whatever I do, I lose. Either I have to put you off or get behind in my work [consequences]. I’d like to find a way to get my studying done and still socialize with you [intension].

• Example 3 “Something is bothering me. When you tell me you love me and yet spend almost all your free time with your other friends [sense], I wonder whether you mean it [thought]. I get insecure [feeling, and then I start acting moody [consequence]. I need some way of finding out for sure how you feel about me [intension].
By expressing yourself in this way, you’re opening up yourself to your partner, explaining just what’s going on inside you and how important it is to you. It’s surprising how often people argue without ever telling each other the extent of their feelings and thoughts.

One of the most important parts of this step is to describe your needs clearly in the intention phase of your message. The biggest danger here is to confuse your true needs, which we can call ends, with one or more means that might satisfy these ends. This distinction requires some definitions.

Ends are the goals you are seeking, and not having them met is what leads you to feel that a problem exists in the first place. In the examples you just read the desired ends were as follows:
Example 1: A house free of dirty clothes. No need to nag or do more than your own share of housekeeping.
Example 2: The chance to study without sending away friends who drop by.
Example 3: A definite reassurance of love (or a definite statement of nonlove).

Means are ways of achieving ends. For instance, if your goal were to become rich, some possible means might include investing in the stock market, robbing banks, gambling for high stakes, or marrying a wealthy person with a short time to live.

We can go back to our previous examples and see that there are many possible means that could achieve the ends we identified.

Example 1

End: House free of dirty clothes. No need to nag or do more than own share of housework.

Means: a. Partner agrees to clean up without being reminded.
b. Hire a housekeeper.
c. You pick up clothes in exchange for partner’s doing a share of your work.

Example 2

End: A chance to study without sending away friends who drop by.

Means: a. You do all your studying at school.
b. Study at home when friends aren’t likely to drop by (for example, late at night).
c. Ask friends to phone before dropping by.

Example 3

End: A definite reassurance of love (or definite statement of nonlove).

Means: a. Companion regularly schedules time to see you.
b. You learn to accept loving messages, which your partner has been sending already.
c. You ask friend for reassurance whenever feeling insecure.

You might have found some of these means personally unacceptable, and you probably could think of others to add to the list. That’s fine! For now, the important point to remember is that you should approach your partner in conflict by describing your ends rather than focusing on one or more means. When people mistakenly identify means as ends, they usually increase the level of hostility and resistance. Insisting on specific means is a perfect example of defense—arousing controlling behavior; and concentrating on working with your partner to achieve a mutually satisfactory end constitutes the more supportive attitude of problem orientation.

Step 4—Confirm Your Partner’s Understanding.

 After you’ve stated your problem and described what you need, it’s important to make sure your partner has understood what you’ve said. As you can remember from our discussion of listening in Chapter Seven, there’s a good chance—especially in a stressful conflict—that your words will be misinterpreted.
It’s usually unrealistic to insist that your partner paraphrase your statement, and fortunately there are more tactful and subtle ways to make sure you’ve been understood. For instance, you might try saying, “I’m not sure I expressed myself very well just now—maybe you should tell what you heard me say so I can be sure I got it right.” In any case, be absolutely sure that your partner understands your whole message before going any further. Legitimate agreements are tough enough, but there’s no point in getting upset about a conflict that doesn’t even exist.

Step 5—Solicit Your Partner’s Needs.

 Now that you’ve made your position clear, it’s time to find out what your partner needs to feel satisfied about this issue. There are two reasons why it’s important to discover your partner’s needs. First, it’s fair. The other person has just as much right as you to feel satisfied, and if you expect help in meeting your needs, it’s reasonable that you behave in the same way. But in addition to decency, there’s another, practical reason for concerning yourself with
what the other person wants. Just as an unhappy partner will make it hard for you to become satisfied, a happy one will be more likely to cooperate in letting you reach your goals. Thus, it’s in your own self-interest to discover and meet your partner’s needs.
You can learn about your partner’s needs simply by asking about them: “Now I’ve told you what I want and why. Tell me what you need to feel OK about this.” Once your partner begins to talk, your job is to use the listening skills discussed earlier in this book to make sure you understand.
Not having studied interpersonal communication, your partner might state intentions in terms of means rather than ends, for instance, saying things like “I want you to be around when I call” instead of “I need to know where you are when I need you.” In such cases, it’s a good idea to rephrase the statements in terms of ends, thus making it clear to both yourself and your partner what he or she really needs to feel satisfied.

Step 6—Check Your Understanding of Partner’s Needs. Reverse the procedure in step 4 by paraphrasing your partner’s needs until you’re certain you understand them. The surest way to accomplish this step is to use the active listening skills you learned in Chapter Seven.

Step 7—Negotiate a Solution. Now that you and your partner understand each other’s needs, the goal becomes finding a way to meet them. This is done by trying to develop as many potential solutions as possible and then evaluating them to decide which one best meets everyone’s needs. Perhaps you can best appreciate how the win-win method works by looking at one example.

Some time ago Ron and his wife, Sherri, used the win-win approach to solve a problem that had been causing friction between them. To understand the problem, you have to know that Ron is basically a tightwad, whereas Sherri isn’t nearly as concerned with finances and doesn’t worry as much as Ron does about budgets, savings accounts, or balanced checkbooks. This difference led to their problem: Every month Sherri would come home from shopping expeditions with antiques, new clothes, and other goodies. It wasn’t that these things were very expensive, but it bothered Ron that Sherri seemed to think there was something wrong with coming home empty-handed.
It got so that Ron dreaded the times Sherri would walk into the house carrying a shopping bag, and of course, Ron’s constant worrying about money bothered Sherri too. After what seemed like an endless number of “discussions” about the problem, they didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. This was one area in which their needs came into conflict.

Eventually, both Ron and Sherri realized that they had to find a solution that both could live with. So one evening they sat down and wrote all the alternatives they could think of:

1. Ron learns not to worry about money.
2. Sherri stops being a compulsive shopper.
3. Sherri and Ron discuss each purchase before it’s made.
4. Sherri waits a day after first seeing something before buying it.

None of these ideas seemed workable. Since neither Ron nor Sherri could change their personalities overnight, solutions 1 and 2 were out. They had tried 3 once or twice before and found it caused just as many disagreements as the original
problem. The fourth alternative made sense, but it didn’t sound like much fun, nor would it always be practical. Fortunately after some more brainstorming they came up with another alternative:

5. Each month they would set aside a certain amount of money for Sherri to spend any way she wanted.
This sounded good to both Ron and Sherri, and after figuring the best amount for this “discretionary fund,” things worked well. Now Sherri can buy most of the things she wants, and Ron can enjoy Sherri’s shopping sprees without worrying about the budget.
Probably the best description of the win-win approach has been written by Thomas Gordon in his book Parent Effectiveness Training. The following steps are a modification of this approach.

A. Identify and define the conflict. We’ve discussed identifying and defining the conflict in the preceding pages. It consists of discovering each person’s problem and needs, setting the stage for meeting all of them.
B. Generate a number of possible solutions. In step B, the partners work together to think of as many means as possible to reach their stated ends. The key word here is quantity: It’s important to generate as many ideas as you can think of without worrying about which ones are good or bad. Write down every thought that comes up, no matter how unworkable: Sometimes a farfetched idea will lead to a more workable one.
C. Evaluate the alternative solutions. This is the time to talk about which solu tions will work and which ones won’t. It’s important for everyone to be honest about their willingness to accept an idea. If a solution is going to work, everyone involved has to support it.
D. Decide on the best solution. Now that you’ve looked at all the alternatives, pick the one that looks best to everyone. It’s important to be sure everybody understands the solution and is willing to try it out. Remember that your decision doesn’t have to be final, but it should look potentially successful.

Step 8—Follow up the Solution. 

You can’t be sure the solution will work until you try it. After you’ve tested it for a while, it’s a good idea to set aside some time to talk over its progress. You may find that you need to make some changes or even rethink the whole problem. The idea is to keep on top of the problem, to a keep using creativity to solve it.
Win-win solutions aren’t always possible. There will be times when even the best intentioned people simply won’t be able to find a way of meeting all their needs. In cases like this, the process of negotiation has to include some compromises. But even then the preceding steps haven’t been wasted. The genuine desire to learn what the other person wants and to try to satisfy those desires will build a climate of goodwill that can help you find the best solution to the present problem and also improve your relationship in the future.

8. Lesson Eight: Personality Inventory

• What type of personality you have according to the Myers-Briggs Inventory
• How personality influences your emotions and choices in life .

There is a lot to emotional well-being. It is at least as complex as physical well-being or any other aspect of personal health. Emotional well-being is a combination of experiences, thoughts, and actions accompanied by emotional maturity.

Your emotional health is just as important to your life as is your physical health. Knowing yourself, understanding how you handle stress and change, and understanding how you interact with others are important parts of your emotional well-being.

EXPRESSIVE OR RESERVED? - E/I DIFFERENCES

• Extroverts speak more loudly than introverts; introverts often want to “hush” extroverts, although they don’t necessarily do so.
• Extroverts tend to speak more rapidly; introverts tend to hesitate, thinking before speaking.
• While introverts often understate a point; extroverts often overstate and repeat their points.
• Extroverts use more nonverbal communication — hand—waving, facial movements, and the like, while introverts often appear more aloof and reserved.

RIGID OR FLEXIBLE? - J/P DIFFERENCES
• Judgers tend to remain more focused on a task or topic. Perceivers move more easily from subject to subject, sometimes to the point of appearing scattered.
• Judgers have a built—in time clock; perceivers do not have this innate sense of schedule.
• Perceivers are capable of generating alternatives to any situation while judgers tend to get locked into one method.
• Judgers tend to offer decisive opinions on most topics while perceivers will often answer a question with a question.

FOREST OR TREES? - S/N DIFFERENCES
• Intuitives tend to look for the meaning of an event or an experience, while sensors tend to examine its various components.
• Sensors like to understand a process by looking at it sequentially, while intuitives randomly gather information and fit it into a theoretical model.
• Sensors focus on “what is” and find “what can be” unsettling. Intuitives focus on “what can be” and find “what is” depressing.
• Sensors are impatient with fanciful schemes; intuitives are impatient with many details.

HEAD OR HEART? - T/F DIFFERENCES
• Thinkers seek objective clarity, while feelers seek harmony with people.
• Feelers are usually situational and subjective; thinkers tend to apply their decisions more uniformly and consistently.
• Thinkers look at the cause and effect of a decision while feelers show more concern for how people will feel about it.
• Both have feelings, but feelers prefer to experience them while thinkers prefer to understand them.

Extroverts
• Like variety and action
• Are often good at greeting people
• Are sometimes impatient with long slow jobs
• Are interested in how others do their jobs
• Often enjoy talking on the phone
• Often act quickly, sometimes without thinking
• Like to have people around in the working environment
• May prefer to communicate by talking rather than writing
• Like to learn a new task by talking it through with someone

Introverts
• Like quiet for concentration
• Have trouble remembering names and faces
• Can work on one project for a long time without interruption
• Are interested in the idea behind the job
• Dislike telephone interruptions
• Think before they act, sometimes without acting
• Work alone contentedly
• May prefer communications to be in writing
• May prefer to learn by reading rather than talking or experiencing

Sensing Types
• Are aware of the uniqueness of each event
• Focus on what works now
• Like an established way of doing things
• Enjoy applying what they have already learned
• Work steadily, with a realistic idea of how long it will take
• Usually reach a conclusion step by step
• Are not often inspired, and may not trust the inspiration when they are
• Are careful about the facts
• May be good at precise work
• Can oversimplify a task
• Accept current reality as a given to work with

Intuitive Types
• Are aware of new challenges and possibilities
• Focus on how things could be improved
• Dislike doing the same thing repeatedly
• Enjoy learning new skills
• Work in bursts of energy powered by enthusiasm, with slack periods in between
• May leap to a conclusion quickly
• Follow their inspirations and hunches
• May get their facts a bit wrong
• Dislike taking time for precision
• Can over complicate a task
• Ask why things are as they are

Thinking Types
• Are good at putting things in logical order
• Respond more to people’s ideas than their feelings
• Anticipate or predict logical outcomes of choices
• Need to be treated fairly
• Tend to be firm and tough-minded
• Are able to reprimand or tire people when necessary
• May hurt people’s feelings without knowing it
• Have a talent for analyzing a problem or situation

Feeling Types
• Like harmony and will work to make it happen
• Respond to people’s values as much as to their thoughts
• Are good at seeing the effects of choices on people
• Need occasional praise
• Tend to be sympathetic
• Dislike telling people unpleasant things
• Enjoy pleasing people
• Take an interest in the person behind the job or idea

Judging Types
• Work best when they can plan their work and follow the plan
• Like to get things settled and finished
• May decide things too quickly
• May dislike to interrupt the protect they are on tor a more urgent one
• Tend to be satisfied once they reach a judgment on a thing, situation, or person
• Want only the essentials needed to begin their work Schedule protects so that each step gets done on time
• Use lists as agendas for action

Perceptive Types
• Do not mind leaving things open for last-minute changes
• Adapt well to changing situations
• May have trouble making decisions, feeling like they never have enough information
• May start too many projects and have difficulty in finishing them
• May postpone unpleasant lobs
• Want to know all about a new lob
• Get a lot accomplished at the last minute under pressure of a deadline
• Use lists as reminders of all the things they have to do someday

ISTJ

Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Well-developed powers of concentration. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard working, they work steadily towards identified goals. They can usually accomplish any task once they have set their mind to it.

ISTP

Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems, but not overly concerned with respecting laws and rules if they get in the way of getting something done. Detached and analytical, they excel at finding solutions to practical problems.

ISFJ

Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other's feelings. Interested in serving others.

ISFP

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses, and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

INFJ

Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perserverence in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

INFP

Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

INTJ

Independent, original, analytical, and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Highly value knowledge, competence, and structure. Driven to derive meaning from their visions. Long-range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance, and the performance of others. Natural leaders, but will follow if they trust existing leaders.

INTP

Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Highly value knowledge, competence and logic. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

ESTP

Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. "Doers" who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they're risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Impatient with long explanations. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done. Great people skills.

ESTJ

Practical, traditional, and organized. Likely to be athletic. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities. "Good citizens" who value security and peaceful living.

ESFP

People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. They dislike theory and impersonal analysis. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the center of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability.

ESFJ

Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function.

ENFP

Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities.

ENFJ

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

ENTP

Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into "one-up-manship". They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive. They enjoy people and are stimulating company. Excellent ability to understand concepts and apply logic to find solutions.

ENTJ

Assertive and outspoken - they are driven to lead. Excellent ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed, they usually excel at public speaking. They value knowledge and competence, and usually have little patience with inefficiency or disorganization.

9. Resources

The following resources are useful tools for further research into the unit one topics.

Websites

Taking care of my mental health

Helping a friend who is grieving

Coping with death

Losing a pet

How to travel safely

How to cope with anxiety

How to organize my life as a teen

How to succeed in high school

I think my friend has an addiction

Help for technology overuse

Dating safely

Your sexual health as a teen (optional)

Videos

Consent is everything!

10. Assignment

11. Conclusion

Congratulations you have successfully completed unit one and an exploration of personal choices.  Please be sure you submit your unit one assignment before moving on to unit two.