4 - Dealing with Difficult People

There are many difficult people in the world, and from time to time everyone will encounter them. Difficult people may complain constantly or may try to be manipulative to get their way. A difficult person is simply someone who causes problems for others. Although the definition is simple, the solutions take effort before the situation is resolved.

Here are some constructive questions to ask when faced with conflicts:

• How do you define the problem?
• How does the other person define the problem?
• How does your behaviour contribute to the problem?
• How does the other person’s behaviour contribute to the problem?
• What events tend to set the conflict in motion?
• What are areas of agreement between the two of you?
• What are some of your strengths that could be used to resolve the conflict?
• What are some goals you have in common with the other person?
• How will you celebrate your success when the conflict is resolved?

cartoon of an angry man

Dealing with difficult people will generate feelings of anger and aggression. Here are some effective ways of dealing with these emotionally powerful forces.

Admit anger — In general, most people tend to block the true picture of anger, with the result that it is driven underground where it becomes a source of future hostility. They believe that anger is a sign of immaturity and they feel guilty.

Pinpoint the source of anger — In this step you become more focused on the specific problem. The most effective way to handle annoying situations is to begin by controlling your own behaviour. In a situation with a lot of anger and conflict, if we lose control of our emotions or internalize the hurt feelings and withdraw, we cannot reach a healthy solution. Ask yourself several thoughtful questions to uncover the real source of anger.

Approach anger head-on — Good communication skills are essential to resolving conflicts that result from anger. Try to own your anger rather than resorting to blame. Instead of saying, “You made me angry” (which means someone else can control your feelings), say, “I feel angry when you...” or “I chose to feel angry because...”. We let other people control us by giving us negative feelings. Absence of blame helps you and others resolve the conflict. We must not become engulfed in emotions because that weakens our ability to do some clear-headed thinking.

Carefully examine your reaction to anger — Did the anger arise from fear, insecurity, rejection, resentment, or a feeling of injustice? The key step when dealing with difficult people is to organize your thoughts and concentrate on solving the problem instead of rebutting negative comments that simply escalate the anger. You might paraphrase the problem they have put before you. That shows you are listening to them and trying to gain an understanding of their concerns. You may also take notes and ask questions for clarification. By using those methods, you direct your energies to solving the problem instead of exchanging insults.