7 - How Children Deal with Death

Issues of death are best dealt with before the child actually experiences death first-hand. Three or four years of age could be a good time to start. If young children are prepared for small deaths such as a bird or animal, they will be prepared for the more significant deaths they will face later such as the death of grandparents, extended relatives, family members, or pets. The emotional pain a young child experiences connected with death involves shock, anger, worry, perhaps guilt, and sometimes feelings of abandonment.

Children may not necessarily show grief through crying. Behaviours such as aggression, withdrawal, moodiness, eating disruptions, and sleeping disorders are common signals that the child is grieving. Young children are usually not capable of verbally expressing their grief. Children may be comfortable expressing grief through artwork, music, or play activities such as role playing a funeral. Older children will find some therapy by being involved in commemorative activities of some kind.

These tips may be useful for adults when helping children deal with death.

family_hug• Be straightforward and do not use euphemisms such as “she has gone to sleep”. Such phrases connected to death experiences may cause the child to have nightmares about falling asleep. Death can be explained by saying that when people are dead their bodies do not work anymore. When people die, they are gone from our lives and do not return.
• Talk openly about the situation. Emphasize that death is a normal part of our lives. Paraphrase some of their statements about their grief to show you understand.
• Mention that the dead go to a place that is safe and good. But stress that they should not take steps to join the dead.
• Get the child to think about happy times with the deceased. Talk about the person or pet who died. Listen to the child’s expressions of grief. Reassure children that it is OK to feel as they do.
• Talk to the child about what can be done to help him or her through the process of mourning. Eventually, new directions are established and invest in new relationships.