15 - Violence in the Home

The home is our basic source of security enabling us to grow and take a position as a productive member of society. When violence occurs in the home, growth and development are no longer the focus; the family member or members are simply interested in survival. Violence is physically and psychologically damaging.

violence

When violence occurs in the home, in many cases the father or father figure is the perpetrator. However, sometimes the wife and mother is the abuser. She may abuse both her children and her husband. Men who are abused by their wives are usually silent about the violence aimed at them. They feel ashamed that they are being terrorized by a woman because their masculine image is destroyed.

The husband dominating his wife with physical or psychological violence is more common. Sometimes only the wife is abused in the initial stages, but the children may become subject to abuse as well. Some wives tolerate years of abuse, but when the children also become victims, they realize they must take action.

Money from government and private donations is used to provide women’s shelters where women and their children can find a safe haven if they choose to run away from an abusive husband and father. These men see women as their property to do with as they wish instead of their equal marriage partners. The men feel a deep urge to control their wives, and they use violence to accomplish this goal. It may happen more often when women become independent and enter the work force. Some men may feel frustrated for one reason or another and have not learned anger management. A high portion of battering men come from homes where their fathers beat their mothers.

Women have reported a wide range of injuries from their partners. Some include beating, choking, slapping, being thrown around, assault with a weapon, and degrading sexual indignities. They have had broken bones, bruises to all parts of their bodies, cuts, black eyes, and other injuries to the face. Often the control and the violence begins with minor things such as a slap or a punch; eventually the cycle of violence escalates and becomes more brutal and life-threatening. Some women say they have been abused even while they are pregnant. Some report that, as the constant terror continues, they begin playing a number of “mind games” to avoid injury. They learn to read their husband’s moods and stay out of their way. They learn to obey his every command like a small child so they will not antagonize him when he is in a bad mood. These women usually have very low self-esteem. They feel stupid and unworthy. Some may even believe that they are “bad” in some way and deserve this kind of treatment.

Most people wish to appear “normal” to the outside world. Battered family members feel ashamed of the terror they experience. Family members who are abused go to great lengths to give the semblance of a normal family to their friends and community. Women hide their bruised faces with make-up and dark sunglasses. They make excuses for what happened by saying they have been clumsy and injured themselves. They wear long-sleeved clothing to hide bruises on their arms. Alcohol abuse is often a great factor in setting off an abusive rage. Afterwards, the husband may shower his wife with gifts, cry, say he is sorry and it will never happen again, and beg her forgiveness. Unless he has had some interventive counselling, these feelings of remorse are only temporary until the next beating episode occurs.

After many years of injuries, women develop the battered wife syndrome. In this very delicate mental state, a woman has intense fear for her safety and perhaps her life every waking moment. Overpowering fear may eventually push her to take drastic action— killing him before she fears he will kill her. The battered wife syndrome has been used successfully by some lawyers defending their female clients when these women have murdered their male partners. One report publishes the chilling statistic that women are most likely to be killed by people they have formed a relationship with (less than one tenth are killed by strangers). Women are more likely to be killed in their own homes than anywhere else.

 

One solution for reducing violence against women in the home is to give more social and economic support to women to reduce their dependency on the men who abuse them. At one time a woman had to lay charges against her husband herself when abuse occurred. Many women were terrified to do that for fear that the husband would seek a vicious form of revenge. Now the police will automatically take action on her behalf and will lay an assault charge on the abusive spouse. Avoiding an abusive relationship is easier than escaping once one is involved. Therefore, the following article should be read very carefully.